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Some of you know that my husband had open heart surgery this past Friday. For those of you that do not know, he was supposed to have a triple bypass, but ended up with a double instead. He spent a few days in the hospital, and then came home yesterday. Because he is parapalegic, and not supposed to use his arms for much of anything while his sternum heals, they really wanted him to go to a rehabilitation hospital for another two weeks. He is so stubborn he would not go, and instead came home and laid all the home care and responsibility and worry on me. He is not even supposed to be alone for the first two weeks, but we can not afford for me to take two weeks off of work, so he is going to be stuck here alone. In the meantime, even though he made promises galore (conning me to leave the hospital apparently), he is not following ANY of the doctor's orders! He is smoking, drinking fluids beyond his restrictions, eating the wrong foods, not managing his diabetes, and even went so far as to put himself in bed, which means lifting 170 pounds, plus the thrust of the lift, on arms that are only supposed to be lifting 10 pounds MAX! I am so heartbroken about this whole thing because it is like watching someone slowly kill themself right in front of you! I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, and he does not seem to care at all about how this effects everyone else in his life, as long as he is getting what he wants. He is throwing tantrums like a child, and even threw things at me yesterday. I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown and am ready to just give up and leave. I have no clue what to do, and do not even know why I am typing this right now. I guess I just needed a moment to vent. I have cried till I have no more tears left to cry, I have punched the wall, and I think broke a bone in my hand in the process. I am falling apart here! He is only 36 years old and already had what the cardiologist called "the worst blockage I have ever seen in someone so young!" Even if he behaves perfectly he can look forward to doing this another 1 or 2 times in his life. If he does not behave, which apparently he wont, they said he can expect it again in another few years, and can expect a very young death. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. Do you stand by and watch someone slowly kill themself, or do you leave and suffer a broken heart anyway, and let them die on their own? I just do not think I can watch another person slowly fade away... this is tearing me apart... and I feel SO alone...

I wish I had some sage words of wisdom for you but I don't. Maybe all you can do is control the conrolables and accept there is nothing you can do about the rest. I'll be hoping your life gets better soon.

Mike

p.s.If you have to leave to save yourself, do it. If he won't save himself for you, you should not kill yourself for him.



Last edited by Mike R at 06-Jul-2005 22:22

oh stormy im so very sorry

but it sounds like maybe he is giving up
just keep on praying, and i will search around for some inspiring words for you

Stormy5
Now I know why you are called "Stormy" I think it should be changed to "Gale force 10" with all those troubles you always seem to weather the storm.

All I can say is "May your God go with you in your time of need"

Regards Keith

Near enough is not good enough, therefore good enough is not near enough, and only your best will do.
I VOTE DO YOU if not WHY NOT?
VOTE NOW VOTE NOW

Time to be "cruel to be kind". Although he's been through alot sometimes you just have to become the "dragon lady" and lay down the law. If he wants to behave like a child treat him like one! Hope all improves for you soon.

I know I wouldn't heed my own advice if i was in your shoes, but you cannot accept blame for his actions. If he insists on being self-destructive, its not your fault.

Can you not refuse to care for him and sign him back into a care facility?


For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks. - Terry Pratchett

Thanks everyone. I wanted to pretty much force him to go back into their care, but the one problem is, as an adult he is allowed to refuse anything he wants, including that. Why, oh why does he have to be so stubborn? I just feel like I have nothing left to give of myself, and am feeling like an empty shell of a person. He made yet another promise yesterday. We will see today if he keeps this one or if he lies again! I told him that if he backs out on yet another one then I get my 75 gallon aquarium set up immediately, and I get to buy anything I feel that it needs (had to make myself feel better in some way), and that he will never rewin my trust! Part of me is almost beginning to wonder if he even cares about living anymore. He said yesterday that if he knew the next cigarette he smoked would be the one that killed him, he would still want to smoke it. This is coming from a man who has beaten some of the most dangerous drugs imaginable. THAT should be a VERY clear indicator of how addicting nicotine REALLY is! He managed to quit all the others "cold turkey" and all at the same time... this one makes him cry like a baby and act like a child and seemingly have moments of temporary insanity. He needs to go to a rehab facility, and I am not talking about one that is going to do physical therapy on him for his broken sternum... I mean one that is going to detox him from cigarettes. I can not deal with all of this! I wish I had built a life for myself that left me with more options than what I have now; one that would have allowed for a plausible escape door where I could have just left at any time and been fine on my own!

get a pshyc assesment...they might put him in for you! And get that tank...NOW. You did warn him...go on....buy it now and show him you mean businesss. It will help you take your mind off things as well...why are you still reading this? you should be at your LFS now...GO!!!!!

Stormy...

You and I don't know each other but I would like to offer my assitance in whatever way I can to both you and your husband. I too had open heart surgery. Mine was late last year. My prognosis isn't all that different than that of your husband. Even though I have not had to overcome the hurdles your husband has to because of his being a parapalegic I do know that even under the most ideal of circumstances, having that type of surgery can really play mind games with a person post surgery. Couple that with the reality of "his" future (or the lack there of) and it just magnifies the situation.

Please be patient with him. I imagine he is still assessing his situation somewhat. He has a lot to think about. It's only been a week. At the same time protect your own sanity. Be a bit selfish and take breaks from "the situation". It isn't healthy for you to be overwhelmed by his condition. Don't try to carry his burden for him. He's a big boy. He is ultimately responsible for his own health care "choices". If he makes poor choices than he will pay the price. You aren't responsible for him.

If there is anything I can do for either of you, I am here. The Doctors don't tell post heart surgery patients about everything that they are going to go through after a surgery. They can't, they haven't gone through it themselves. Sometimes the best source to turn to is someone that has experienced something similar.

One thing I would do is put his heart surgeon on notice that your husband is not following Doctors orders. Maybe the surgeon can talk some sense to him...

Take Care...
Tammy

Last edited by Tammy at 07-Jul-2005 18:36

*huggles* Oh, my poor stormy... hang in there. Men can be such idiots sometimes. In this case, though, when his idiocy effects everyone around him - instead of just himself - I do think there needs to be something to constrain him. I agree with Tammy... talk to the surgeon. Maybe they can do something.

In any case, see if you can take a break. Get away from it all and do something for yourself. I know how bad it can get having to take care of someone like that... it's emotionally and physically wearing. My mom and I were basically responsible for my grandmother when she was declining steadily with alzheimers. We used to take her to a day care facility once a week for a few hours just to have some time to ourselves!

May this be a fast recovery for your husband and may he come to his senses. You know that you are ALWAYS welcome here, or welcome to call whenEVER you need to. What little I have is at your disposal... and if I could manage it, you know I'd drive my lazy tail out there. I make a good should to cry on.

~Meow. Thus spoke the cat.~