FishProfiles.com Message Forums

this is a story that Im working on in creative writing and I need some feedback. I know that not all facts are true and some of its fiction to make it better. Also its not quite done yet.

In the grassy weeds on the muddy bottom of shallow canal in southern Florida a new terror is born, a wolf cichlid. It already has tiny teeth. It is a micro-predator. Over the coming months it will grow rapidly, but for now it has to avoid being eaten.

The little fish’s parents are still small too. Only about a foot and a half long they are nowhere even close to full-grown. For the next couple months the mother will protect her babies with ferociousness of a tiger over a kill, but she is a small dog in a big yard here. With large mouth bass of equal size, catfish that are double her size, and gars that are triple her size. She will do her best to protect her babies, but sometimes that isn’t enough.

One day in hot Florida sun a blue heron flies overhead a flood canal. Through the shallow glass clear water it spots some movement. It circles the area keeping an eye on the large pit that has been dug in the smooth Florida mud in the canal. A large fish is busy hunting down food. The heron keeps circling, and with every circle it comes lower. The fish sees a mosquito fish. In a sudden surge through the water it opens its cavernous mouth and exposes its razor sharp set of knives teeth. It chomps down and a cloud of blood appears in the clear water. Another successful ambush, but for every action there is a reaction. Seeing the commotion down below the heron makes a dive bomb toward the cool water. The cichlid not being able to see very well upwards can’t see the deadly air attack coming at it. Already in shallow water the cichlid doesn’t stand a chance. It hears a splash like a giant brick hit the water. Splash the heron dives in and opens its surprisingly sharp beak. The cichlid having no time to react it is hit like a train. With the fish in its mouth, the heron stands on its spindly long legs. As quickly as it came it went.

With the male now only to protect the babies, the babies had to grow up quickly. Over the next six months the baby wolves grew quickly and started to get the brilliant colors that their ancestors had in the south. Already at six inches they started to fight with each other. With their dad abandoning them months ago. The juveniles started to fan out around the canal and find their own territories. The largest one had found his territory. It was an old stump that fell into the water. The stump was covered in moss and giant cattails towered above the water like skyscrapers.

Everything was fine in the canal the wolves were growing and started to begin making their own families. Then after an afternoon rainstorm the water began to rise and flooded the canal. The big wolf sensing something wrong hid under his stump and waited. Meanwhile all the wolves that had made their territories in the middle of the canal soon got washed away with the turbulent current. Also all the small babies that had been born that summer were washed away. Soon after the storm the water recedes to the way it had been, buy there was one thing. The canal was deeper and wider now. Also all the wood and debris that sat in the middle of the canal was washed away now. The middle of the canal was a wide-open wet desert. This left a lot of the wolves without any cover and soon they were easy prey for the giant gars that lazily swam on the top.

Soon a gar saw one wolf in the open and lunging his gigantic body. He dove down at a 45-degree angle. He opened his cavernous mouth and slammed it down like a bear trap on the lone wolf. Blood squirted out everywhere. After that the other battleships on the top of the water noticed the commotion beneath them and soon joined the fray. Then the huge submarine like catfish smelled the blood and the usually docile giants turned into bloodthirsty warriors. Any fish that was sitting in the open was easy prey. To the cats and gar it was like shooting a fish in a barrel. After the massacre on that fateful day there were just a few wolves left. The big one continued to grow feeding on the young of the giants above and below. Knowing that one-day he would go up against the titans above.

Miguel Hernandez is a 35 year old Nicaraguan worker. He works in the orange groves that encapsulate the canals. One day while picking oranges he went down to one of the canals. Not seeing anything anywhere he bent down to get a drink of cool water. While bending down into the water, like a gazelle on the African plain. A cloud of mud stirred in the water. Now usually nothing in these canals can do any harm do a person besides an occasional gator or water snake. With his face in the water he slowly sipped the crystal clear Florida water. Just then the big wolf now 2 and a half feet long bit down on the tan Nic’s face. The bones in the mans face were crushed under the immense pressure that the large guapote could generate with the 3 inch razor blades and cavernous mouth. The poor Nic’s entire face was destroyed and he went limp when the new water monster readjusted his grip and bit down on the top of the mans head. The man screamed out one final word as the large dagger slowly cut through his skull and finally hit his brain. LOBO

A few days later while a search party was looking for Miguel someone saw a limp body next to the canal. The man a 50-year-old Cuban worker reached down to lift the head out of the water was suddenly grabbed by the arm the teeth of the attacker immediately sank down through the soft arm flesh and finally hit bone. Then the big wolf stopped for half a second and gathered up all the power in it squat powerful body. It then opened its massive bear trap jaws and with all his power slammed them down as hard as he could. The force from the bit instantly shattered the arm and pulled the man in to the shallow canal. The large cichlid instantly went into frenzy mode biting the man over and over and over. Taking mouthfuls of flesh in each bit the man was floating in the cool red Florida water in less than 10 minutes. After seeing what had happened to the two men the search party stop looking and all went home not knowing what had happened in that canal that day or wanting to know.

A steady tropical rain is coming down cooling the spring air. Pretty soon the rain starts to come down harder and harder. Until it’s almost like a monsoon. The canal system turns into raging whitewater torrent. The big wolf is trying to survive the current by laying on the downside of a large boulder. The large boulder finally gives away and starts rolling down the muddy canal. The large wolf is fully exposed now. The water current starts pulling him away from his home. He is starting to weaken now and finally gives up and lets himself get swept away. The big wolf wakes up a couple hours after being swept away and being knocked out on a rock. He is in a new place now a large lake. Paradise has come for him but its not all good. The same fish that he snacked on in the canal are now a lot larger than there counterparts in the canals. He found a snug little cave and settled down weary from the long day.

A week has passed since the day of the monsoon. The wolf is now growing stronger eating on large fish and worms. He has now claimed a territory now on the northwest shore of the lake. It is 150 feet long and 50 feet wide. He cruises through the entire area once an hour looking for any fish that comes close. He has now grown. He is up to 3 feet in length, a true monster for his species. He has 25 razor sharp teeth. His mouth now can eat a basketball. He is as fast as any fish in the lake reaching 30mph on a gentle cruise. He weighs 35 pounds and can smash any fish’s bones. As shown before he can crush a mans skull. He is a true killer.

Three little kids are playing the in the water of a cool Florida lake. They are running and splashing around in the water like little kids always do. The only thing wrong about this is that it’s the big wolfs territory and they are potential competition. One kid is particularly obnoxious and finds an underwater cave. He dives under and starts destroying it. This act turns the wolf into an attacking state of mind. Normally the wolf is calm, cool, and collected but now with his home now destroyed he now wants revenge. He gathers all the energy in his body. He launches himself at the kid. His massive jaws open and instantly slam shut on the kid’s leg. Crack the impact shatters the kid’s lower leg. The wolf comes back for another round and comes after the other leg. The same result happens. The kid can’t standup now and is laying face down in the water. The now bloodthirsty monster now comes for the parting shot. He launches himself from across the shoreline and bites down on the kids face. The impact from the bite instantly crushes all the bones in his face and the bone that creates the nose is driven up into his brain. The kid is now dead. The other 2 kids not knowing what’s going on come up to their friend. The wolf now standing over his kill sees the 2 others. He once again starts his killing craze. Knocking down the other two and killing in the exact same fashion. He has now killed 5 people and shows no sign of stopping.

Riiiiiiiiight(in Dr.Evil tone).

I'd seriously get some help....and that's not on the story either!

Last edited by james747 at 01-Apr-2005 23:16

Last edited by james747 at 01-Apr-2005 23:17

Try it from the Cichlids Point of view. Something like,

He was one of many. One with swarming mass. Instinct told him the big ones offered shelter, protection. He also knew the others, the ones that looked different from the protectors were to be avoided, for now. One day all would fear him, he was Dovi.

Another slow grower, they weren't easy, almost as big as he but he managed. The perfect food, everything a growing Dovi needed. They were inferior and needed to be culled in any case, at least the protectors didn't seem to mind.

Rather than tell it from Omni, show it from the fishes POV. But you have to be careful not to put in things the Dovi can't see or know.

Have fun, Mike