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this just proves i have WAY 2 much time on my hands

The first rule of dispatching: Assume all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumptions.

The definition of 'lucky':

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I'm not your neighbor, you Bakersfield trash.

Ok one last one for me tonight, again this is for us teachers, and I think all doubles have been deleted, I've been collecting them for some time, and most seem too true as a teacher...If you find any offensive, I'm sorry, they are not ment to insult anyone. Enjoy all, and good night!

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.

Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and take notes in the margins of books.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.

Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.

Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.

Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.

Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.

Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.

Real teachers can "sense" gum.

Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.

Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.

Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.

Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at COSTCO, SAMS, and Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.

Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th during an evaluation.

Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.

Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.

Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.

Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.

You Know You're a Teacher If...

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

You have no time for a life between August to June.

You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as 'the lounge' .

You're sure the lounge should be equipped with a valium salt lick.

You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe you're doomed if anyone says, "You know, the kids sure are mellow today."

You convinced chocolate is the 5th food group.

When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

Marking all A's on report cards would make things SO much simpler...

You think people should be able to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You are awed by the fact that some parents have reproduced

You have considered aerial spraying of prozac could be beneficial, in limited, controlled circumstances.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school setting for at least 5 years.

You've had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"

You smile weakly, but secretly fantasize about choking a person when they say, "Oh, you must have such fun everyday. It must be like playtime for you."

Your personal life vaporizes at report card time.

Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this child like this?"

You can converse in middle schoolease.

Your last nerve is a distant memory.

Every day is a bad hair day.

You find humor in public parental discipline.

You worry about getting sued for self-esteem violations.

You believe the staff room should be equipped with Valium salt licks.

You stand on your front porch instructing the neighbor children to "Walk!"

Junior Highers make you feel old but you could not be paid to be that age
again.

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to only work 8 - 3
and have your summers free."

You refer to adults as "boys and girls."

You encourage your husband by telling him he is a "good helper."

You believe chocolate is a major food group.

You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy,
the kids are sure mellow today."

When you are out in public you snap your fingers at children who are
misbehaving.

You give your husband "the look" when he "misbehaves."

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being
allowed to reproduce, earned by having worked in a middle school for 5 years.

You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.

You can't have children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear
that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid
like that?"



"I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom." Thomas Carlyle

OK after looking I've also found this...

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"I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom." Thomas Carlyle

OK it took me a bit to find this one, and I know I have others...These are for the teachers among us, though others might appreciate them as well....

JUST FOR TEACHERS
On the 6th day, God created men & women.
On the 7th day, he rested. Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do the next day. For it was on the 8th day that God created the teacher.
This teacher though, taken from among men and women had several significant modifications. In general, God made the teacher more durable than other men and women.
The teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 PM. With no rest in between. The teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight room with 35 little monsters on a rainy Monday. And the teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation.
Yes, God made the teacher tough - but gentle too. The teacher was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student... of the 16 year old girl who was not asked to the prom.
And into the teacher God poured a generous amount of patience.
Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the teacher has just repeated for someone else.
Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the 4th day in a row. Patience when 1/3 of the class fails the test. Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.
And God gave the teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart. For the teacher's heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, "I hate this class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs out of the class at the end of the period without so much as a good bye or a thank you.
And lastly, God gave the teacher an abundant supply of hope. For God knew that the teacher would always be hoping. Hoping that the students would one day learn to spell... Hoping not to have lunchroom duty...hoping that Friday would come... hoping for a free day... hoping for deliverance.
When God finished creating the teacher, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the teacher was good. Very Good. And God smiled, for when he looked at the teacher, he saw into the future. He knew that the future is in the hands of the teachers.
And because God loves teachers so much, on the 9th day God created "SNOW DAYS."


"I've got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom." Thomas Carlyle

One of my meds has a warning on the bottle that says "Warning: May be taken with or without food".

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I'm not your neighbor, you Bakersfield trash.

OH jeeze


Last edited by dakafall at 09-Dec-2004 22:45

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.



The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)








(its a real treat)








(a masterpiece)








(wait for it)










The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

23. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies

You WILL have law enforcement knocking at youru door. And it will tie up a very important line and waste time of the people who may be involved with a real life and death emergency and don't have time to play games with idiots like you.

And dakafall, spend a little more time weeding out your e-mail inbox, all of those have been circulated to death, and you repeated yourself quite a bit

Still one of my favorites....read the large, bold print @the bottom



^_^
Current Contest Rules[/font][/font]

Last edited by Babelfish at 09-Dec-2004 11:21

Zen Rules



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until youpass gas.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it
back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it
holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ...
Then things get worse.

25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on
the same night.

26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

30. The most important ingredient for a long marriage is a short
memory.

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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
~ Mae West

A programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angelos to New York. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I pay you $5."

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says "Ok, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!"

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question: "What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The engineer doesn’t say a word, but simply reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the programmer. Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with the modem and searches the net and the library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his coworkers – all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. He politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what’s the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Hi there, I just found this one. If anyone else has something funny please put it here.

1. A king size waterbed does not double as a jumping castle. Especially when junior is wearing dad's golf spikes.
2. When punctured by golf spikes a waterbed will not leak, it explodes!
3. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house ankle deep with water.
4. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
5. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
6. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
8. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
9. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
10. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
11. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
12. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
13. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
14. Super glue is forever.
15. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
16. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
17. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
18. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
19. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
20. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
21. Always look in the oven before you turn it on, plastic toys do not like ovens.
22. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
23. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
24. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
25. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

How To Get Rid of Phone Solicitors

* Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number...
* When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."
* If they say they're John doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
* Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
* If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends.....would you be my friend?"
* If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
* Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
* After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
* Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! " Say goodbye and hang up.
* Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
* Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Kid Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

* Better to be safe than... Punch a 5th grader
* Strike while the... Bug is close
* It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time
* Never underestimate the power of... Termites
* You can lead a horse to water but... how?
* Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty
* No news is... impossible
* A miss is as good as a... Mr.
* You can't teach an old dog new... math
* If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning
* Love all, trust... me
* The pen is mightier than the... pigs
* An idle mind is... The best way to relax
* Where there's smoke there's... pollution
* Happy the bride who... gets all the presents
* A penny saved is... not much
* Two's company, three's... the Musketeers
* Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose
* None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder
* Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded
* If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries
* You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box
* When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way
And the favorite...
* Better late than... pregnant

Recommended Ways To Annoy People

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to thers.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage" or "services rendered".
30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!

Actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, objectS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

I laughed so hard it hurt. Good stuff.

enjoy