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Doctors' Notes On Patient's Charts

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr.Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

If Dr. Seuss Had Written Technical Books

1. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
2. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna' crash!
3. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna' hang!
4. When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Politically Correct Ways To Say That Someone Is Stupid!

1. All foam, no beer.
2. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
3. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
4. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
5. Bright as Alaska in December.
6. The cheese slid off his cracker.
7. Chimney's clogged.
8. He couldn't bell a buzzard.
9. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
10. Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box.
11. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
12. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
13. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
14. Dumber than a box of hair.
15. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
16. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
17. His family tree obviously doesn't fork.
18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
19. A few beers short of a six-pack.
20. A few clowns short of a circus.
21. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
22. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
23. A few peas short of a casserole.
24. He is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
26. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
27. He's so dense, light bends around him.
28. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
29. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
30. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
31. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
32. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
33. If he had a brain he'd be dangerous.
34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
35. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
36. If you put his brain in a buzzard, the buzzard would fly upside down.
37. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
38. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
39. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
40. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
41. He makes stupid look smart.
42. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
43. No grain in the silo.
44. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
45. One Ace out of his deck.
46. One brick shy of a full load.
47. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
48. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
49. One neuron short of a synapse.
50. One taco short of a combination plate.
51. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
52. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were further apart than most.
53. The porch light's on, but nobody's home.
54. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
55. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
56. Receiver is off the hook.
57. A room temperature IQ.
58. Put the "S" in stupid.
59. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
60. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
61. Skylight leaks a little.
62. Slinky's kinked.
63. As smart as bait.
64. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
65. Stupid Parents get stupid kids.
66. Suffers from Rectal-Cranial Syndrome.
67. Surfing in Nebraska.
68. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
69. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
70. Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
71. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd dRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Insist that your e mail address be Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-king@companyname.com.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Dont use any punctuation
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are.
16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
17. Sing along at the opera.( I've done this!)
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24. Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"
29. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"
30. Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"

Diary of a Cat

* DAY 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
* DAY 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
* DAY 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
* DAY 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan..
* DAY 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
* DAY 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
* DAY 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...