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This is long, complicated, and entirely personal. Maybe I should just go find some random relationship forum and post there so I don't have to face the people who respond ever again. But while I'm not great at making or keeping close friendships I do at least know people here and some who's opinions are worth listening to.

So I met Chris online. We talked for a year everyday. We started talking on the phone and webcam and somehow I fell in love with a person I'd never seen in person before. We flew back and forth to visit each other and he eventaully moved here. He started to change though. As soon as he started visiting me and calling me his girlfriend he acted possessive, controlling, and on occasion rude. Like he no longer needed to impress me and he wanted me to be perfect so he can say he has this great girlfriend. It didn't bother me so much then. He was immature and I was immature and both of us were lonely with no friends.


We've been living together now for 2years. In that time I think I've matured and he is that same possesive, lazy little boy. He starts arguments with me, he insults me, he yells at me for not getting stuff done when in the past 48hours he has spent 25 of them sleeping, 15 laying in bed on his laptop, and the last 8 on his desktop because I kicked him out of bed so I could sleep. All this happens not just daily but constantly throughout the day. No conversation I start and he actually answers manages not to end in raised voices and insults. He also puts down my fish tanks, insults me when anything goes wrong with them, forces me to take down tanks, and it's much the same with any other hobby. I can't do any of the things I want and I'm not allowed to take up any space in the apartment that we are suppose to be sharing. He laughed about me taking up martial arts. He complained, yelled, and finally insulted me in an attempt to get me to stay home cause he didn't want to go but didn't want me to go alone. I went so he was forced to follow. He ended up being too scared to get on the mat but didn't want to look like an idiot with me out there doing it. However he just ended up having a panic attack, starting an argument there with me in front of everyone, then left and has not returned to the dojo. Which I go to every week now. That's how everything has been. He won't go anywhere or do anything. He gets upset, panics, yells, and goes back to his computer. Yes he probably needs help. That's what I've been doing for the past 4years I've known him. I've made no progress. I'm not his therapist and I'm tired of feeling like I'm raising a little kid. I've given him every opportunity to change his life and improve himself but he just throws it back in my face. I looked up insurance, doctors, therapists, psychiatrists...etc... and he refused to deal with any of it. What more can I do? I can't force someone to change themselves or their life if they aren't willing to put in the effort themselves.

Today he didn't even interact with me. I don't really care about holidays, flowers, jewelry, fancy restaurants.. etc. All I wanted was to be acknowledged when I talk instead "I'm typing something" or for him to agree to watch a movie with me which I've been asking for 3 days and he says "sure but not right now". Today he just said no he was busy making a level at his online game. That and a short couple sentences asking when I'm going to bed is all he's done to acknowledge me today.

I did love him without a doubt. Everything I said a couple years ago was true at the time. For the past 6months I've questioned that and decided I do not love him at all anymore. I care about him. I want him to be happy and not to harm him. I want to still be friends with him but I no longer want to live with him or with the burdens he's placed on me. I am not his mother, I am not his therapist, and I have my own problems that it would be nice if someone at least listened to without turning into some type of argument or insult. To actually have someone that says something helpful or that makes me feel better is completely amazing to me because it never happens. He doesn't talk to me except to insult me, he doesn't go anywhere with me unless I drag him out of the house, all he does is whine about how I'm not doing any work or making any money when he spends his entire day on the computer and I don't think he's been to any of the classes he signed up for this semester.

I should be gone already shouldn't I? The problem is I have no other friends. Partially because I'm bad at making friends and he wouldn't let me go anywhere. He throws this temper tantrum if I go out with anybody(even my sister) and he doesn't get to go along. That means that I have noone else to interact with or go places with if I no longer go with him. While I don't want to admit it I don't know if I'm strong enough to be 100% alone again. Then I remember I pretty much am alone. He doesn't help with anything, he gives me no emotional support, no encouraging words, doesn't step in when I'm having trouble, and as far as intimacty goes... let's just say it's not going anywhere. It seems pointless to have him here when the only thing he's doing is making me feel bad everyday. Since he stays up till 6-9am then goes to bed till 4-5pm. I sleep alone, I'm up alone, there's only this little gap we overlap and in that time all he does is argue, insult me, and ruin my day. Would it be all that different alone?

Then there's the logistics of breaking up. I'd have to tear down nearly all my tanks, take the fish, plants, and anything that wouldn't survive being dry to the store so I could put what's left in storage and stay at my mom's house. The only one I might be able to keep is my 30g brackish but the 55g planted, 20g saltwater, and 10g shrimp tank would have to be torn down and everything in them that can't survive brackish water given away. In a few months I will have a house to move into but even then it may be a year before I can set my tanks up again. Without a 2nd person I'm not sure I can pay rent, utilities, and everything else. There's no way I could do a clean break to this relationship since there are a dozen small pets in consideration as well. Chris has some claim to those and it would require time to sort it out. I also don't really want to stop being around him all together. I just want to stop living with him. I went in to tell him that but as soon as he asked what's wrong I just started to cry so I mumbled I don't know and went back into the bedroom.

How do I tell him what I want? We've made all these plans. He's made all these plans and if I pursue what I think I want then I'm going to ruin them all. How can I convince him that he shouldn't live in the house with me without causing him to overreact and make it difficult to both deal with him and continue to care for the animals at his apartment until I can move them?

(((huggs hon))) I'm going to send you a PM.

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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
~ Mae West

" Would it be all that different alone?"

Yes, it would be all that different alone. You would be better off without someone belittling you all the time!

"How do I tell him what I want?"

I would show him your post.

"How can I convince him that he shouldn't live in the house with me without causing him to overreact and make it difficult to both deal with him and continue to care for the animals at his apartment until I can move them?"

"without causing him to overreact........." He is an adult & responsible for his own emotions. If he chooses to overreact, that is NOT your fault. I don't think this is going to be an easy one to deal with. You're in a mess & it's going to be a mess to get out of. Just realize that something HAS to be done, no matter how difficult it is or how he reacts to it. If you start crying, so what......... keep going....... say what you want to say, get it out of your system.......cry, holler, talk nice, whatever it takes.

It's going to be really hard & very emotional, but you CAN do it. SOMETHING has to be done, so just face that fact & you will be glad you did. JUST DO IT!

And now that you got us all involved in this drama, please keep us posted as to what is going on! I'm so glad you finally decided to do something about that unbearable situation!

(((((((((Sham))))))))

.........................
" Maybe I should just go find some random relationship forum and post there so I don't have to face the people who respond ever again."

You silly! This IS a forum.......... you NEVER have to face anyone on here! No one can ever see your face or the emotions behind it! So you can be as bold or ridiculous as you want to be on here! That's one great thing about a forum. It's personal, but yet not embarrassing. So talk away! You're hidden securely behind your comp. screen.
I'm glad you posted here, as we care about you here.

Its your choice all around. You can either continue to live a lie, or get out. Does he get physical with you? If so, that is a overwhelming reason to get out. If possible, try and get out with no notice. I know that will be hard, but it may be your best option. If you are taking martial arts, then it may be that even if he does get physical, you may be able to handle yourself.

A real relationship is about compramises. No relationship is going to be PERFECT. Some of the best relationships I've seen had arguments. Howeve, this guy sound VERY self centered. To give you an example, in my relationship, sometimes we vocalise the exact thing, others are just understood. For example, if I'm playing a video game and my Fiance wants to do something else, I may or may not quite the game that exact moment. If I just started the level, I'll turn it off and just retry next time, if I am close to finishing, I'll finish it. Danielle will sometimes even ask me how far I am so she knows what I'm doing.

However, this guy sounds like he is doing whatever he wants. Is this his first relationship? Is this yours? You have to do your best to determine if you really do not love him any more. I can tell you that even if you break up with someone, you may still have feelings for them.

If you decide to tell him exactly how you feel, offer it in a proposal way. Tell him how you feel, why you feel like that, and what you will do if he does not change. You may want to do this in a public place, however, it sounds like he may still have a temper tantrum anyway.

If possible, you may want to take pictures of all of your things before you talk to him. That way, if he does go on a destructive rampage, you have proof in case you have to take it to court.

Also, it sounds like you may have fallen in love with him for the wrong reasons. You say that you are lonely and have no friends (what are we here at FP? Chopped liver? ), but I can tell you, sometimes finding friends can be easier than you think. Do you work? Do you work at a place that you are close with your other employees? Just try hanging out with them. What about your martial arts class? What about your sister? Does she have any friends. Tell her that you want to find some friends and want to hang out with her friends. What about attending a Church, a local club, or something like that?

Also, sometimes, TRYINGto find a friend can be harder than a friend just showing up out of the blue...

and like I said earlier, what are we here? Chopped Liver?

Best of luck with this

**hugs sham**

Sounds like it's pretty bad if the only two reasons you haven't moved out are that you feel like you don't have friends and the logistics are bad. I can tell you this, if you do move out, you may be surprised how many friends you end up with, when he's not holding you back. I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like your boy is very emotionally abusive. That can be even worse than physical abuse because you have no support and no physical scars to show for it. He needs to know that he is responsible for his own feelings and behaviors.

We're friends here, and friends you don't see in person are better than no friends at all. We still care about you, even if we've never seen your face. And we won't think any less of you for taking your fish to the LFS or anything, no matter what the conditions in their tanks.

><>

He has sort of hit me. He got mad arguing with me and losing at it. I was standing next to him and he brought a closed fist backward into my ribs. Not hard, not with full force or intent but he did connect. Then I locked his arm straight and landed him on his knees... He claims he never hit me and that he doesn't remember. However I doubt even his subconscious will let him try it again considering his arm was sore for 5days.

The thing is all my friends are online. I've had no real friends since junior high which is nearly 10years ago now. I had a person I hung out with during highschool but she was never anyone I could rely on. Last I saw her she had her 3rd child, 2nd husband, 5th boyfriend, 8th house/apartment/etc, and had lost all her teeth from drugs. She was also attempting to scam my mom out of $800 when she owes my mom $1200 that my mom was nice enough to loan her. I told her not to call me anymore cause I didn't want to have anything to do with the stuff she was into. I work my own hours by myself painting apartments so I have no coworkers. I'm no longer taking college classes. The people at the dojo are the only ones I talk to not over a keyboard but I only go once a week and don't seem to be making too many friends. Although they are nice people and rather deadly so I have wondered if Chris threw a big enough fit that I couldn't get away from him or get my stuff out of the apartment one of them might be willing to help me. But I don't want to leave that way and I can't just sneak out cause I'd be abandoning 7 guinea pigs, 4 fish tanks, 2 degus, and 2 gerbils to probably death. I also don't have too many places to go until July when the house I'm fixing up will be ready to live in. I can stay at my mom's house but my stepdad is verbally abusive. Before I moved out I had people offering to turn him in for it. Chris' apartment seemed like a better option at the time but while my stepdad is too much of a coward to do much more than mumble under his breath and make disgusted noises when he walks by Chris has no problem yelling insults. Then he claims it was not yelling and that he was not insulting me. I've tried for 2years to reason with him and he doesn't even understand he's doing anything wrong.

I agree with the rest, it's going to be hard, but you can do it. Tell yourself daily, no, hourly that you are worth more than this.

I had some of the same issues as you execept I had to send my husbandpacking from a 13 year marriage with a child involved. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and still is hard a year later, but my sanity and peace of mind was SO worth it.

Toss him out and get a room mate....no need for you break down all your tanks. Tell this internet game playing loveable (not) fuzzball to hit the bricks.

Even if you are lonley at first (aren't you that already?) you will feel so much better about yourself.

---

~~Melissa~~
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder."

There is no way he's going to change while you're there. There has to be some consequence for the way he's treating you - so if you're his only friend and you leave, well, maybe that'll be enough. Besides that I don't see anything you can do. And as much as "animal rights" folks may disagree with what I'm about to say, at least on paper, your life is more important than all your pets put together. Don't let them hold you back - and you may well be able to save them anyway.

><>

I can't kick him out cause it's his apartment. Even if I physically can(he is a foot taller and twice my weight) by law I'm technically not suppose to be living here. I'm not even listed on the lease.

I talked to my aunt who owns the house I'm helping fix up and going to rent. She lives in the house right next door to that one. She said she'd lower the rent if I'm the only one living there and if I help her out. The 2yards require 7hours to mow with a small tractor, she has a ton of landscaping, and she hasn't left her house for more than a day in years cause there's been noone to watch her golden retriever. She also thinks the house will be ready by May so I have somewhere to live 2months from now instead of 5. Both her and my mom think I can move at least some of my tanks to the basement of the house now. It's heated and has power outlets but running water is questionable. I'll have to fill them by carrying water containers from my aunt's house. Not an issue for my planted 55. It could last months without water changes and still test fine but the marine nano has to go or everything will just die anyway. I'll ask the guy who helps run the aquarium club here and has his own store if he'll take at least the shrimp and fish hopefully for credit so I can set the tank back up again in the future. The rock I might just have to put in my brackish tank and see what lives.

It was not even a month ago that someone asked me how you change your life when your unhappy. I told them you can spend forever thinking about it, what you want to do, what you should do, and how to do it, but when you finally decide it takes only an instant to actually accomplish it. There's only one person left to talk to and at 3pm he's still sleeping.

sounds great

><>

i have to say, having lived through a similar situation, that the best thing for you to do is to get reconnected with your family (sounds like you already have ) and plan when you are going to leave. that's WHEN not IF. you deserve to be with someone who appreciates you for who you are, and this guy is not the one. you might have to endure a few more months but it will be so very worth the wait when you finally get out on your own. good luck with everything

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"That's the trouble with political jokes in this country... they get elected!" -- Dave Lippman

He obviously has clinical depression, and he sounds like hes living in a hell I used to know well. This dude maybe nutso'd out, but unfortunately depression can last for any number of years. I was lucky, my girlfriend has stayed with me, but I wouldnt have blamed her for going. But that is a relationship that had already gone, and though we are boyfriend and girlfriend at the tender age of 33, we have been together for 15 years and that perhaps was just worth fighting for, and wed put in a marriages worth of good stuff prior to my stupid brain packing in. Thats the point really. Hes a bit far gone for A 2 year relationship to be worth it. No-one has to live therough this hell, and that is basically his responsibility. What he shows you is clearly no longer love, and while I usually hesitate to give out such advice, I would have to say end it and move on while your still fresh so to speak.

For some people staying will be worth it, but from what you say, I dont think it will be. Not everyonw finds true love straight away, chalk this one down as whatever you want it to be, but you gotta move on.

Even at my worst I have been a living rage, angry at the world, but I was pushed a lot by my partner. He sounds like he does not have the relative fairness I had at the time and that is bad news indeed. He has done the damage to the point he clearly no longer respects you in any way, and that is the bare minimum any relationship needs to survive. When the dperession is cleared he may have done enough to damage even in his mind the relationship that is left to the point of irretreivable. You never can tell how its gonna go for sure, but this is bad enough to leave and have to feel no guilt. It will hurt, but you have to think about it.

I like knowing people are in love , I love to believe that people can make it. But this sounds really bloody bad. He is punishing you for his disappointments. Depending on his intelligence and integrity he may never stop. If thats the case its over in anyones book.

I cannot know who is at fault for sure, such subtleties are for those leading the life and no-one else. But a relationship should never cost you your self respect if you can avoid it.

Do as you must, be strong and god bless.I wish you all the hope in the world.

Much love, and take care of yourself. The world starts and ends with you, dont suffer forever. It is YOUR life. It is YOUR choice.

As for the fish, if you have to rehome them as best you can. Youll do your fish no justice if your will breaks. You can rebuild everything, sometimes human relationships do affect pets, a cry for help to those who love you, and sometimes miracles can be worked.My family have always helped when ive been desperate, they love animals as much as I do. Being strong for yourself IS being strong for your pets, and sometimes getting them safe wherever you can even though you love them is the best you can do. A cycle is only 21 days. If only everything in life was so simple.

You never know, a handsome, solvent , kind, fish addict could be in your future. Its not your fault, and even if it is in any way, relationship incompatibility is no one persons responsibilty to shoulder alone and that is where you are now. New glory may be just around the corner.

xxxxxxxxx

Just wanted to say I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Make you the priority; do what needs to be done to take care of yourself and live your life the way you deserve.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is water at the bottom of the ocean

I feel like banging my head against the wall. I seriously think he has some mental issues. It's like part of him is stuck as a 5year old. After throwing a temper tantrum most definitely equal to that of any 5years olds he left the room crying. He came back to appologize with all the same sorries I've heard before and that he'll change. I told him it wouldn't last a month. Last time I said I was leaving I started packing my clothes and he made all the same promises. It lasted 2 days. So we made a bet. I have nowhere to live anyway and he wants a 2nd chance(more like his 100th) so I stay for 1 month and if at the end of 1month I don't want to live with him he'll supposedly let me leave without arguments.

Now to I guess prove his love he keeps saying we'll do whatever I want and he'll give up playing online games. After awhile it's almost as annoying as not doing anything with me because he seriously does anything I want with absolutely no input. He took me to outback, we played mini golf, stopped at the petstore I'm not allowed to go to cause supposedly I flirt with the cute saltwater fish guy(I was not flirting although I did actually say he was cute but I think he's married anyway), and finally watched the movie I wanted to see on Wednesday. Through the rest of the day and beyond the time I wanted to sleep all he did was repeat "what do you want to do today?", "what do you want to do tomorrow?". He never suggested anything. He never gave an opinion. As selfish as he is it can't last. He can't give up everything he wants for what I want without eventually blowing up on me.

I tried to introduce compromise. I told him he's suppose to say what he wants, then I say what I want, and we find a way to do both that doesn't upset either of us. It really is like talking to a 5year old. He just kept saying he wants to do whatever I want to do. Then he tried to apply his new word last night. He started to ask what I wanted to do tomorrow and stopped just short of finishing it to say or we can compromise and do what we both want to do. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said whatever you want to do. He completely does not get the concept of compromise. Today he was playing his game that he said he would quit playing. Now I don't want him to quit playing it completely but he said he would and he's already broken his word.

How long do you think it will last before he's back to acting like usual? I actually think he fits the profile of a serial killer. He has no respect for anyone, even when he does things for others his goal is to help himself, he strikes out at others(luckily mostly verbally right now), he teases animals, and worst of all he can recreate events in his head in order to condone any action. He really does not think he hit me and there are a few other times. He changes how events are remembered whenever he does something wrong or upsets people so that he looks like the good person and everyone else was being mean. Then he actually believes those made up events and claims we are all lying and just trying to hurt him when we tell him differently. I have told him to see a therapist or psychiatrist many times. He said he would but his insurance won't cover it. I told him how to get better insurance. He gave the instructions to his mom. Now whenever I bring it up he just blows it off by saying his mom is suppose to be figuring out the insurance.

*goes to bang head against wall* I am not taking care of a 5year old who looks like a 19year old. I don't know what to do with him. I don't trust him anymore and I definitely decided I don't want to live with him. I also do care about him and I want to help. I don't think there's anything else I can do though. I'm going to go ahead and make plans for the house without involving him and see what happens a month from now.

He sounds like hes hit depression bigtime, and trust me I should know. Hes giving out a lot of the signals I know so well. Unfortynately hes getting the whole, low self esteem, unfulfilled life thing. Looking for something more is not unusual for people about to hit their 20's and 30's, after it can be a very banal life at times. Hes looking for a spark and a hungriness in life that might make him feel alive, and if you arent the one who can give him a certain perfection in his own mind he will be at war with the world. It logical , its understandable, but if what hes asking is too much, and seems too much then you just arent compatible. He has to regain his real confidence and his real personal power, and people and partners can help with this....but only on rare occassions, and it takes you to have an analytical brain better than most psychologists to do it. This ability just isnt something most people have, and ultimately its not your responsibility. I have been similar , and I know how ridiculous it can get. He really has to accept that he needs help and even drugs like citalopram can help to chill his &nbsp; out until he finds his way.

Nobody will blame you for leaving, people all over the world are trapped by their partners, and no-one has to put up with it. Leaving someone is always hard, impossibly hard for some, but wasting your life is just that, a terrible bloody waste. The disappointments in life on everything from politics to sex, and personal insecurity can drive just about anyone off the edge. Depression rates are sky high, and the world is a terribly artificial place a lot of the time, many of us are monetary slaves and the free born heart will never truly accept this .People are stupid, and people arent educated in life about how to react. Sages , wisemen , and good parents just dont impart information on how to cope with our dissillusioned world, and many of us have a constant sense of " why are things like this" and the easy way out is to blame people around them for the lack of leadership and inspiration to change things that they have not the wit to change themselves.Hes looking for something to keep him going , and while that is understandable, blaming you for not being the one to do it is wrong. It is notyour responsibility to fix this, he has to do it for himself. He may be on the eternal verge of an epiphany that will never come, and until it does he has no right to persecute the person he professes to love. Its a low and easily acquired target, and too many depressives make this grave mistake.

Do what you have to do to make yourself happy, everyone is accountable for some wrongdoing in a relationship, but when things go truly bad its not always salvageable. In the final analysis its just not worth it. Taking on a depressive takes titanic strength , empathy , understanding, and a personal clarity that most people will never have, thats why there is a proffessional structure of medical health workers set up to cope with what most individuals cannot. Basically if your man cannot accept help and know at the minumum it is the caring thing to do to relieve the pressure from you, then there just isnt enough to work with , then leave.

And trust me, when a depressive is useless, we are useless in a way that few will understand. Things are never faced, never improved. It takes real character to come out of a depression intact.Responsible people can support them, but never cure them, and it takes authority and real strength of will to put them straight. For those who wanted an equal relationship this is usually a step to far to have to take.

Its just too much for the normal person to take on, and even he , will eventually have to appreciate that.

If you have to leave for your happiness , then go. Dont waste your life fighting if you cant win.

As i have little expireance with Depression other than a farther i can not comment on that but just try and remember why you are in a relationship in the first place. Every couple has disagreements and everybody has faults. You can’t really know if you love somebody until you find out the bad about them and then once you pass that test then you can truly say that you love someone. It sounds like as a couple you have failed that does not mean that you can still not be friends but unfortunately that will not be for some time(past experience). If you should start to think about what’s best for you not what works. Don’t sacrifice what you want for what you have today especially if what you have is not anywhere in the same league as what you want.

Best of luck and I am sure every one would like to be kept aware of any changes


"No whammy, No whammy, No whammy, STOP!!"

1984-Michael Larsen On Press Your Luck

He's never had any confidence or self esteem. The amount I gave him seems to have been just enough for him to start striking out at and making fun of people the same as was done to him. I know what depression is like. I can also tell you what it's like to sit in a chatroom discussing the best way to die. He and I are from similar backgrounds but with one large difference. He gave up. He believed the people that told him he was worthless trash and never challenged them. I didn't give up. I told myself everyday that I was better than that. He throws away every opportunity I give him to change things while putting me down anyway he can think of. I still have insomnia to deal with and he's only getting worse not better. I'm beginning to think leaving him alone is the only thing I can do for both of us. He's either going to be forced to change some things in his life or lose what little he's gained since he moved out of that house and away from his mom. She is greatly to blame for how he is now and it's taken me all this time to convince him he's a grown up now and doesn't have to answer to her.

I wonder how long it will take him to notice my books and magazines are gone from all the shelves and tables.